If you make the stupid mistake of thinking you can control drugs, you die. I think people who have trouble with becoming alcoholics trip up here. People who don’t enjoy drugs or drinking say they don’t like feeling out of control. Why the need to control a substance designed to take you out of the control seat? Ah but I get it. I wanted to control alcohol. I actually thought I did control it. But give me three drinks and tell me to stop. You better get out of the way because that isn’t happening.

Drugs aren’t designed to be taken to great excess. Even drug dealers need to eat. They want you using as much as possible and as quickly as possible but staying alive so you come back. Alcohol companies don’t mind if you drink a fifth, just not a liter, then you might die or even worse, contemplate your life! Us alcoholics are extreme, we are a liability. They’ll take the heavy college drinker over us any day. Alcoholics pose threats of bad press. My point here is by no means to be critical of companies or drug dealers, I am just shining more light on my perception. Alcoholics can be romanticized in movies and tv. Sometimes they get it right, but sometimes they almost make it cool in a way, if you’re recovered. By the way, it is actually cool if you’re recovering vs drinking, I’m just saying I would hate for some 25 year old to get any kind of perception other than the idea that alcoholism and drug addiction is life consuming and life destroying. It’s like rooting for the asteroid to annihilate our species. It’s rooting for the killer shark to eat the innocent children. It’s fucked up.

I feel like I’m reading overdose stories at record pace these days. Kids doing stupid shit. Except they are dying. Want to know a messed up thing about me? Sometimes I read a story about an overdose and my first thought is, “wow, I could have gotten high doing that?” That’s what I live with. I’m lucky, my next thought is acknowledging how fucked that is. I bet someone reading this can relate and understand that though. To the majority that are shocked, I don’t understand what it’s like to not think that way.

I’ve heard people suggest you live a lot of your life feeling like a certain age, an age you’ve held onto. Maybe I’m not saying that correctly but I understand it. Some days I think I’m still the 17 year old boy who got really drunk for the first time. For so long after that I chased that feeling, that high. In many ways I still do, I just do so in other ways.

Time sure flies. It’s a hell of a ride. Some days I stop for a moment or two and wonder how so much time has passed so quickly. I think of the people I miss that have left us. I think of the old days. But I also try to turn to the present and remember that down the road these will be the old days. That’s difficult to do. But I’m going to keep trying. Anyway, I’m off on a tangent again. Kids, don’t do drugs. I’m serious. You will die. You can’t control them. The drugs, the alcohol, they are in charge and they are heavily recruiting. The problem is will power is a bitch. No one will stop you if you really want to try it. You just have to understand the risks. You may die. Didn’t stop me, but hey, I have hope for you… I’m here if you need me and I love you.