the post for my son

your dad

As I sit here feeling compelled to write this letter to you, I also feel the need to tell you I love you more than you could ever know.  You are 5.    Someday you may read this.  You need to understand what an extraordinary person you are.  You have a perspective on life that I am in awe of, which I am blown away by.  You roll with the punches like I have never seen.  I’ve seen you deal with situations that would devastate my sense of self and yet, you focus on the one or two moments of enjoyment.  I don’t want you to lose that, ever.  It will take you places, places you’ve never dreamed of.  You have inspired me once again to finally get back to something I love to do and put my thoughts out into the world.  So, I want you to know some things about your dad as he is today, as I am today and who I was.

 

the awkward kid and meaningless phrases

I’ve lived my entire life knowing that I am awkward.  It’s incredible that I latched on to the friends I did in high school that I still talk to every day.  People say cherish each moment in life, hold on to them, hold on to time.  This phrase, this concept is meaningless to me.  I shouldn’t say meaningless because it certainly provides me with anxiety, stress and probably an over exaggerated sense of questioning and failure.  So maybe not meaningless, it is more so infuriating.  “Did I do today right?  Did I create the best day for myself and those around me?”  Excuse me if I ever say this bullshit to you, son, because I hate it.  I’m not going to fly to fucking Mars every second of the day.  (Sorry for cursing)  This concept of cherishing and maximizing each moment is unrealistic and, in my opinion, impossible.  So don’t say shit to people that you can’t even follow yourself.  (As a side note, I probably say this crap too….and here it comes)

The truth is you really won’t believe how quickly it goes.  But you need to enjoy the ride.  Perhaps that is just another way of saying cherish each moment, but I believe my point is that instead of trying to live up to the world’s expectations and posing for the cameras, make the whole picture something beautiful.  When you take on a task, you will mess up, you will fail, you will get frustrated, but stay with it, finish it.  In the end, the result should be something you’re proud of.  I believe life works this way too.  Whatever you do, do it with passion, integrity and respect for others.  You do not have to worry about how you will be perceived.

Be odd, be silly, be goofy and don’t ever stop.  You’re so amazing at it now, don’t ever stop.  Let someone else be normal.  I’m not going to be, I never have been.  I don’t even know what normal would be.  I don’t want to be normal; I want to be the least normal person you know.  I am not saying I wear it as a badge of honor, I am saying I am odd, I am goofy, I am silly and I am almost 37 years old and I am not going to ever stop.  Normal sounds like a fate worse than……well it just sounds boring.  People don’t stop and notice someone ‘being normal’ on the street and say, “Boy, that is one normal guy; I wish I was more like him.  He’s memorable.”  They don’t say that.  People, that is.  Anyway….

 

it’s not weird to be weird

As I have grown, the reality has stayed the same that I am still the awkward kid who doesn’t think he can talk to people or make new friends.  That hasn’t changed, I just know how to make myself look good for the cameras and I can typically fake it enough to get by.  Early on in life I found ways to combat my fears and turn them into positives.  I found an ability to make others laugh and I quickly latched on to this skill and used it often and to deal with just about everything.  Later on, when the self-imposed pressure to keep the façade going of being normal, outgoing and funny got worse, I realize my addiction to acceptance became greater.  Eventually alcohol and drugs became the go-to tools that would allow me to be the perceived life of the party that I desired so badly.  You see, what I hope you never have to truly understand is that while your dad has been addicted to a lot of bad things in his life, there has always been an underlying reason, perhaps the actual addiction.  Acceptance.  But not only acceptance, I require affirmation.  When I am faced with rejection and denial it’s very difficult to handle.  Let’s just say I am workin on it….But you see, this is where you come in……

 

your light

You aren’t like me when it comes to this stuff.  You don’t react with pain, sadness or being unhappy when the world might get you down.  There is such a beautiful light in your eyes, in your heart; it’s so incredible to me that I cry even thinking about it.  I pray that you hold onto that, that you keep that forever.  I thought I was pretty good at looking on the bright side, but you make me look like a grouch compared to you.  I know you will grow up, you will change, the world will hit you many times, but I know you will get back up.  You are the greatest person I have ever known and you are only 5 years old.  I want to be clear that I mean that last comment with the most sincerity and truth I can offer.

You need to know that you are special; you must know that you are a true gift from God.  I want you to know that it is ok to be different.  You don’t have to be what others tell you to be.  I am 36 years old and I am still awkward.  When I take you to school I say hi to other parents and teachers, but on the inside I still have fear and paranoia.  I want them to like me; I want them to want to talk to me.  I have always been an irrational, socially anxious person and yet I recognize it and know how ridiculous it is.  I can produce the pictures, proofread posts and filtered profile information for everyone so the circle sees me as person with everything, who does everything and is always in pure bliss.  But that just means I can make the fiction better than some others can.  It’s not real.  ‘The real’ is about fun and sad and happy and not-fun, it’s life with all the good and bad.  What makes me so happy is that you are so much better at that.  You are so much better than all of it.  Which brings me to my next point…

 

 

i learn from you more than you learn from me

All you want is to enjoy.  If life or the world gets in the way, you pass it off like it is no big deal and you tell me things like “hey, at least I got to play with that kid for a little bit, and a little is better than nothing.”  You do things at 5 that melt my heart.  You go out of your way to give your sister your favorite toy or stuffed animal because it makes her happy.  You care so much about her it is inspiring.  You spent your time outside cleaning up the leaves in the yard just for your mom because you thought she would like to come home and see a clean yard.  You were so quick to ask if you could make daddy’s friend who is in the hospital a card when I explained he was sick.  You believe in a world I wish I could tell you is waiting for you when you get older, but don’t lose that sense of happiness and wonder and an ability to see the good everywhere.

You are the book that I can’t wait to read each day, the movie that continues to get better each minute and I just know I will walk away from each scene with something else to try and implement in my own character.  I never dreamed 5+ years ago that you would change the world the way you have for me.  I said earlier people will throw phrases as you that don’t mean anything.  One that I actually do like is “You can change the world.”  A lot of people do this every day.  You do this for me every day. Changing the world doesn’t have to be monumental or something you read about in a book.  Change your world.

 

if I may just say a few last things…

Do something in life that makes you happy, but not something that does so at the expense of others in any way.

You are very intelligent and this can be a great strength.  Do not let this lead to arrogance or it can quickly become your weakness.  Use it to lead, use it to teach those who need guidance.

Forgive.

Recognize your weaknesses and don’t pretend to know that which you do not know.  There are other intelligent people out there and they can recognize when someone is bullshitting them.

Recognize a bullshitter.  They might be intelligent, but not wise.

In my opinion, at least in 2016, social media can be a tremendously dangerous outlet for our society.  The creation of fake realities is playing on everyone’s anxieties, fears and doubts on a daily basis.  The number of suicides among younger people has increased dramatically in the last 4 years.  Just remember the phrase now more than ever ‘don’t believe everything you read or everything you see.’  {This being said, sorry for all the picturesque photos of you and your sister that I posted.  Moving on from this tangent….}

Hold the door for the person near you.  Every time.

Don’t be mean.  When you are mean, apologize.   Own your mistakes and learn from them.

Relax.  It is going to be ok.  I promise.

Eliminate the idea of multitasking from your mind.  It does not exist.  Finish one task then move onto the next one.

Stress is in your mind, it is not something tangible that exists outside of your brain.  This one is very hard, but believe me, it’s true.

Be careful when you drink alcohol or try drugs, if you do.  I pray you don’t have my disease, but if you do I am always here.  Always.  You will never receive a judgment; you will only receive a hug and a hand.

Laugh at yourself and be awkward.  Be the beautiful person you are today.

personal life block

IMG_9662

we are all thinking the same shit

I’ve been wanting to get back to writing so badly but there has been such a mental block and such a personal life block that it has been difficult.  Personal life block should be the title of the book I’ll say I never have time to write because of my personal life block.  I’ve had some really amazing conversations recently with some incredible people.  I find so much inspiration and accomplishment around me.  Of course the anxiety sets in, but I need to push that away.  But the first thing I want to say is that it amazes me that people I highly respect, learn from and think of as people who “have their shit together” or “aren’t always an emotional mess or ball of stress like I am”, actually are just like me inside.  Obviously we are all vastly different human beings with our own everything.  However, when you put us in any given situation that may be out of our element, we all feel somewhat uncomfortable and have anxiety.  Take a class at the gym or some sort of workout program, for instance, a truly vulnerable experience for most of the population I’d suggest.  It doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like, we all walk in there hoping we don’t do something stupid or hoping someone won’t think we look ugly or inept.  These types of experiences are good for anyone’s mind and soul, in my opinion, and should be sought out.

keep moving, I’m trying to stand in my way

So that personal life block really likes to get in my way.  Exhaustion, disinterest, anger, laziness and many more like to creep into my world and they can turn into an excuse or rationale pretty quickly.  I can write out pages of reasons why I can’t or don’t have time to write pages of the non-sense I have been spitting out here for a bit.  I’ll spend the 30 minutes of time it would take to go for a run and tell you why it’s hard to find 30 minutes of time to go for a run.  This isn’t a very productive skill.  It doesn’t yield many positive results.  The best part is, when I just get up and do the thing that I am going back and forth over, 10 out of 10 times, I feel better.  So why do we do it?  Because it’s easier to complain than to improve.  It’s easier to find support when you bitch than it is when you succeed.  Because we all compare ourselves to each other, at least a lot do.  Having a benchmark is a good thing.  Having goals based on what you perceive as success is good too.  What I know I am guilty of is basing my level of success on what others are doing.  This is dangerous for me because no two people have identical skill sets, histories, families, friends, and brains, bodies on and on and on…..  So why do I do it, why do we do it?  I wish I had an answer.  Really I wish I had an opinion because none of what I write or put out into the glorious world of the internet is more than just my thoughts, ideas and opinions.  I make no secret that I have zero factual data in these blogs nor do I have any degree that gives me any sort of semblance of a professional take on any topic.  But if I had to say something to tie this portion up with a mediocre, halfway done old bow, I guess it is just that we are all thinking the same shit at some point.  We compare ourselves to one another, we judge one another but we also can be incredibly insecure and fear that those around us don’t accept us or perhaps they may think badly of us.  So I guess what I am working out now is, why would that even be a bad thing?  Or, perhaps, more importantly, why do I even care?

HELP might be easier

Let’s attempt to pretend that I follow this next line of thinking.  I actually do sometimes.  Maybe you’ll have better luck with it.  But just remember, it’s never too late to surprise yourself.  Become who you want or even try.  Consider for one second that you are not perfect and then be open to suggestions.  Know that so much love surrounds us (this one can be hard, but it’s true) and that everyone can work together to improve.  Remember love exists and it makes great things happen in a world dominated by stories of hatred.  Just because those stories clog our many flowing streams of information, there are always touching, inspiring stories out there.  Read those, watch those videos.

Be better.  Just be better.  Be what you want to be.  Be a better everything.  Don’t settle don’t give in to excuses, and then don’t give into anger.  Stop wasting energy on building up your potential change and just do it.  Believe you can help yourself.  BELIEVE YOU CAN FORGIVE YOURSELF.  Picture yourself after the task at hand is completed and make that come to life.  I don’t follow my own words well.  It took me weeks to finally get this stuff out at all.  We are all guilty of it.  We need to go easy on ourselves, slow down and just take on one of the fifty things you THINK you should be doing.  When you feel like you are on an island and you don’t know how to get off, try a different solution than you’re comfortable with, and try something you’ve never tried before.  It may be harder, it may be uncomfortable, but it may be the change you’re looking for.

 

finding love in the hatred of pride

pink is a girl’s color

The idea that one human being can be violent towards another human being just because of who they are is truly a concept that my mind cannot comprehend. Being mildly intelligent I can attempt to understand it. I’ve certainly been angry before for whatever reason at the time. Yet to loathe a human to their core just because you disagree, dislike or disapprove of their way of life confuses, upsets and scares the hell out of me. So why would I start off with the color pink? The level of hatred that hits the top of the charts has driven people to murder others because of who they are, whether that be skin color, sex, or even because of one’s choice of love.

-Digression- Love is the purest form of happiness for us humans. A feeling unmatched by any other. The positive of the positive. To feel love is the greatest gift we can have. The idea that someone could feel such disdain, such anger towards someone for loving someone else is just a fact that I really struggle to understand.

SO, that color pink. My son has been told pink is a girls color by another boy in his class. (Remember he is not quite 5). He was told he cannot like Frozen because it is a girls movie. During playtime at daycare they have dress up parties sometimes. My son and some other boys tend to enjoy putting dresses on occasionally. When catching wind of this the boy’s father brought up a few fireMAN and policeman outfits and instructed the school that his son was to dress up in those outfits from now on, no more dresses. Now I am not going to sit here and suggest that it is because of these things that kids grow up to hate or become violent adults. What I am suggesting is that these things paint a picture of the world at a young age where there are limitations and rules about who you can or cannot be and that is not right.

So when I ask my son what his favorite color is, now he says blue or maybe orange. That’s fine with me. But I ask him, “I thought pink was your favorite color (which it once was)” His response is that pink is a girls color. So I explain to him that he can pick any color he wants, but his reason cannot be “because it is a girls color”.

to protest another person’s pride

When I started this blog it was because of love. I believe in love and feel it wins out plenty of times. Those with such hatred in their blood sometimes speak louder, but they speak with empty, sad hearts. When I think of the energy invested for someone to actually protest an event with the word Pride in it, it just scares the hell out of me. What pride does a protester feel when they scream at a stranger? I honestly want to know the answer. I don’t really want to bring religion into my blog at any point, but the irony of using God as justification for your ignorant disgust of another person make me want throw up.

I feel as though my desire to put these words into the universe is so strong that I will be cutting this post shorter than most. But I want to say that I dedicate this post to all of those who lost their lives in Florida this weekend and that I love each and every one of them. We can never remove hatred or ignorance from our culture but we CAN strive to educate our younger generation on the benefits of acceptance and love. I know that my son and daughter will grow up in a household that is full of tolerance and love for others.  That love will live on forever and I hope you feel that in your heart as well.

clifford’s birthday party, the review of ignorance

clifford’s friends are assholes

CliffordsBday-CoverRead the story.  I’ve read it 217 times to my son.  I get angrier every time.  This is what I take from this story and then I’ll tell you how I arrive at this point.  Don’t be a prick and don’t be friends with ignorant assholes. 

I’ve read a ton of children’s books over the last few years, but this one plays on my deepest fears and anxieties more than any other.  But that fucking dog and, more importantly, his owner Emily Elizabeth have some seriously rude “friends”.

So here is how the story plays out.  This terrifying, deformed, freakishly massive red dog is having a birthday party.  I mean this fucking thing is planned.  Invitations sent out, decorations up, ice cream and cookies ready to go, the asinine dog has a ridiculous party hat on and his owner Emily has her head in the clouds.

So then the time comes for the party to start and who shows up?  No one.  Not a soul.  Zero people show up and Emily is the calmest 8 year old in the world who literally didn’t have one person show up to the damn birthday party, even for a dog.  She just “wonders” where everyone is.  She’s a moron too by the way, but we’ll get to that later.

So, they handle it in an incredibly humbling and embarrassing way.  But also a way only someone with serious balls would deal with it.  So they go to the park looking for these “friends” to find out why they aren’t at the party.  They head to the playground and everyone is there.  Together.  NOT at the party.  I imagine this scene in reality and it’s the most awkward, gut wrenchingly sad thing I can even imagine.  These pricks are playing baseball and when confronted by Emily and the gigantic red monster behind her the best thing they come up with is that ‘they didn’t have good enough presents, not good enough for such a special friend’.  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  I’ve heard bad excuses before, but that is the worst one of all time.  And please don’t throw that crap back on Emily with the “special friend” bologna.  You are mean kids being mean and Emily and the nuclear fallout K9 could do a lot better than you when it comes to friends.  But…. she tells them to stop being silly and he’d like whatever they got for him.  THEY DIDN’T ACTUALLY GET HIM ANYTHING, EMILY!

This scene gets sadder and sadder and you can’t stop the train wreck if you tried.  At this point I’m begging the dog to mass murder all these jerks to stop this nonsense.  So now, these shit for brains are not only completely caught in a lie, they now need to somehow produce these inferior, made-up gifts and actually attend the party they blew off in the first place.  So they go home (probably rush home) to find anything in their houses they can pawn off as a gift for a dog the size of a house.  These “friends” are pathetic and lower than the dirt they were playing baseball on at the park…

Except…..maybe, just maybe, I am wrong here.  Maybe it is possible there is something behind this animosity towards Emily and her pet that fuels nightmares….

 

 clifford and emily are assholes?

So the so called friends show up at what must be hours after the original start time of the party.  The ice cream is ruined for sure, the cookies stale.  I can’t imagine what this poor mother is thinking.  She must  work 3 jobs already to pay for enough food to feed this beast that she has allowed her daughter to own.  Now, no one shows up to this party?  She must be halfway into a bottle of wine at this point.

 

the gifts

Scott’s gift is a large ball.  Not too bad.  Everyone plays with it until Clifford pulls out the fucking stopper and ends the game immediately.  Ok, not a big deal, maybe he didn’t know that would happen, he;s just a dog.

The next kid brings a piñata.  Not an ideal present for a 10 ton dog, but they decide to let him take some swings.  It goes poorly.  He knocks down trees, a shed, the fence and so on.  Horrific fucking scene.  Luckily no one was hurt or killed, but the 8 year olds are probably mortified and scarred for the rest of their life seeing such a massive force destroy the yard around them.  Yet time for the next gift!

Jenny didn’t even try.  She gave Clifford one of her yellow sweaters.  An 8 year old girl gave a dog as tall as a high school football stadium one of her own sweaters.  Yet the infinite optimist Emily Elizabeth, says ‘it’s perfect for his nose’!  Gigantic backfire, Jenny, ya dumb idiot.  I’m sure she hoped this would be the final straw to end the relationship.  Not today.

Why the next kid would give Clifford a robot dog is beyond me.  Perhaps she figured a robot dog can’t judge or be terrified by a 3 story tall red dog or maybe she’s just a fucking idiot.  Clifford broke it immediately.  Shocking.  Assuming the narrator IS Emily Elizabeth, the line after he breaks the robot is ‘they don’t make toys the way they used to’.  So, to follow this logic, “they” used to make toys that were so indestructible that you could literally drop a house on them and they would not break.  No they didn’t.  They did NOT used to make toys like that.

Then Cynthia and her dog Basker arrive with an actual gift.  They bring a gift certificate to the groomer to get a free shampoo and haircut.  (Side Note: The Bow Wow Beauty Parlor will be adding a size provision to their future documents after the wash and cut of an entire yacht.)  But wait, the picture becomes a little clearer when we see Emily hand this gift off to Scott.  Emily likes Clifford the way he is.  This girl actually re-gifts the gift certificate right in front of Cynthia ala behind the back style that would be virtually impossible for Cynthia to not see.  That takes some serious balls.  Maybe now I am starting to see why some people didn’t feel compelled to make this party a priority.

 

the finale

So this whole disaster gets wrapped up when the cake shows up on a truck.  Clifford was surprised, but became even more surprised when his family pops out of the cake.  SO how fucking long were these poor dogs cooped up in this fake cake while all this non sense was going on?  How did they survive?  And how is Clifford smart enough to know his family and feel genuine happiness to see them yet not feel hurt and confused when they aren’t there for the hours of time prior to this moment?  That’s not fair to him.  The poor bastard has already had a rough go of it anyway being that he is a fucking GIGANTIC RED DOG!

I’ll tell you what should have happened.  Emily’s mom, when she immediately sensed no one was showing up to this thing, should have gotten that fucking cake out with Clifford’s family inside and made the best of things.  This mother was nonexistent after making the cookies and ice cream and that’s not right.  The whole party was mishandled from the get-go and it was a nightmare waiting to happen.

So what I am trying to say is that Clifford and Emily’s ‘friends’ are ignorant assholes, granted, and you shouldn’t surround yourself with that type of negativity, even if life has dealt you a bad hand, you still deserve better.  That being said Emily and her disfigured mutant could try a little harder to be nice to people, considering they know what it’s like to be shit on by crappy people.  Surround yourself with positivity and be positive yourself.  Don’t be a prick to people.  Life is just too short.  At least this is what I got out of the story……

 

if i had my life

normal is………20071204_normalpeopleBig

So.  I am 36 years old.  First of all, how the hell did that happen and second, whatever age you are, don’t tell me that 36 is young, I’m not bitching about the number, that’s not the point.  I am here and it is just another reminder that time is short.  So shut up and listen to me for a second (or don’t), but the ideal me has something to say right now.

Create something.  Resonate with someone.  Mean something to someone.  Have friends, have hobbies, have relationships.  Get happy, get angry, throw a chair once and a while.  Don’t sit back and be quiet, not anymore.  Need someone, need some thing or things, need feelings.  Forget embarrassed, forget uncomfortable unless that is who you are and need to be, let loose or don’t, but be who you are and try to feel pride in it.  Be weird, it’s ok.  Be really weird, a lot, that’s ok too.  Who’s the most normal person you know?  Ok, now see it from the other side.  Do you want anyone that knows you to answer that question with your name as the answer?  Believe that it is ok to be someone completely different from anyone else.  No one you know is the person they play in real life.

 

the you that you aren’t

If you find someone who is happy all the time, they aren’t, trust me.  I’ve had that title once or twice and while flattering, I guess, it’s laughable, but mostly because, and we’ve covered this before, I’m insane.  One thing I know for sure is that no one you know is the person they play online either.  I’m guilty too.  I share the best me of the day or week and play it off like that’s life…..like that’s my life……  We keep messing with people’s emotions and feelings when we do that and it IS serious.  Why can’t I be like them, why can’t I be happy all the time, why can’t I only go to great places everyday with all the best people and have the best time ever and always be doing, seeing, acting, feeling…..the best?  What have I done wrong?

But wait, maybe I AM the best?  I look at my accounts, my photos and I think maybe I am the best too.  Maybe even better than the best of all the bests?  Am I winning the competition here to see who can make up the best life?  It’s getting to the point where I have had more interaction with my friends through texting over the last few years than I did in person the ten years before that.

When was the last time you sent a sad photo?  Do you tell the world about the bad days?  You do still have bad days, right?  I have bad days and that’s ok.  Ah, but what would you become if you were honest?  You’d be branded the sad friend.  That all too important number would begin to drop, the ignore buttons, the unfollow clicks would come sooner and more often until there would be nothing left but your honesty and solitary social media account.  Then God help you because a social media account with no friends or followers is the saddest thing society can think of.  So don’t be honest.  Post that family portrait at the beach, wait two weeks until your next happy moment and post that too because I just can’t get enough of how perfect the world is when I get online and look at the people I know…

there is a reason to care

Perhaps every generation says this for whatever the reason is during that time period.  But at age 36 I honestly feel like we were the last people to grow up without full immersion into this other dimension where we can so easily be almost anything we want to be on paper, as long as we don’t have to prove it.  The thing is, this affects human being’s lives.  It affects their mental condition, it affects their ability to be happy, to feel satisfied.  If you are having a good day, you probably tend to disregard small annoyances.  On a really good day, you may even laugh at them.  “Oh look at Sally and Walter, they sure do love to go to the (input a location that, for you, can instantly invoke rage) I guess your kids have to be EXTRA smart or friends have to be EXTRA rich to go there and do that thing….Ha ha ha….go jump off a bridge with your hoosier or yuppie friends or whatever….ha ha.”

But what about the bad days?  What about the days when “go jump off a bridge” is where you are when your day starts?  When you wake up feeling down and even your one morning joy of coffee doesn’t work out right.  “Well, I can’t start over now!  I’m already at a caffeine level of 6 even though that cup of joe tasted like the inside of a dog’s stomach.  If I have more, even if it tastes good, I’ll probably feel too fast in my head and then feel sick.”  Now it’s 8:04 in the morning and you’re just like all the others waiting for Friday, except Friday right now, for you, could be anything as long as it isn’t this.  So, we already stated, this is a bad day jump started by your own swirling tornado of a mind and jolted into the orange, heightened alert status by Frank, the ‘I try so soft to be good at my job’ and make dog stomach coffee.  So let’s get to work, but probably not.  Where do we turn for comfort?  Where do look for guidance on how to wear a shirt or make a shirt or take a shirt and make it into a better shirt?  Where do we go for advice on making things out of other things and double checking that it’s all gluten free when we just don’t really know what that means?  And finally, for good measure because I could write essays on each of these, where do we go to feel comfort by looking at things we’ll never have, never be able to do, didn’t invent, design or create and see things we usually hate?  Well, you know.  So the bad day hits this moment head on and then we are greeted by Mr. Perfect and perfect doing perfect things and being perfect.  I need not go on as it doesn’t get any better……..

So, in conclusion, I really hope you got something out of my WordPress Blog that I just posted to Facebook and Twitter and REALLY hope you’ll give me a Like or even better, Share it with someone.

the alcoholic monologue

there’s never a good time to realize that you’re f*cked upSay-when

There’s REALLY never a good time to tell people you love that you’re f*cked up.  But there does come a point when it becomes easier to do it.  Then, if you’re lucky, it becomes such a part of you that you tell anyone at any time, and I truly mean you are lucky if you make it to this point, a lot of people never do.

“Oh you have an uncle who is an alcoholic?  That’s really super interesting.  Has that been fun for you?  What’s he like?  Maybe I know him from our club of insane people.  Thanks for trying to relate to me!”

Ok, so we actually DO have a club, but some people don’t quite get that joke.  I’m not sure they should either.  But you don’t have to know me.  You don’t have to relate to me and you don’t have to pretend to understand what it is like.  There might be an outward appearance of slapstick humor and quick one liners about the whole thing, but that’s just because the truth of the situation is sad and painful and hurts people.  It’s not fair in this instance to speak anymore in the plural form because while there is plenty of humor here, I don’t want to speak for anyone else.  I was able to stop drinking years ago, but not everyone is so lucky.

 

“i should quit drinking too, I drink too much”

If you tell people you are an alcoholic, get ready for this one.  Well how do you like to get drunk?  More importantly, how do you like to drink?  “It’s drinking time, boys!”  “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” (is there a dumber f*cking phrase in the English language?)  You want to research and answer the drinking questions on yourself?  Go right ahead.  But you telling me you need to quit or cut back or whatever it is, that’s like me walking up to Ted Bundy and saying, “I sure can hurt people sometimes too, perhaps I should cut back.”  Maybe you smile or laugh at that analogy.  Well, I’m not.  (Ok I am AND I giggled when I realized the pun in there about cut back too.  When you think about that it also clearly speaks to my insanity in giggling at a pun inside an analogy comparing my own hurtful ways to one of the worst mass murderers in history.)  Anyway, that sh*t is true though.  You “drink too much” is a problem?  Well then figure it out, pal, but I have my own questions for you.  Lets call this next section:

 

am I am alcoholic questionnaire – using real life examples – answer true or false

  1. When I drink, I drink to excess on purpose and force people to stay up until 7a and listen to the score of the Shawshank Redemption while I cry and talk about life.
  2. My drinking causes issues at work, usually because I have a hard time by 11A talking normally to clients because I have polished off the bottle of red wine I bought at 8A on the way to work.
  3. I do stupid things when I drink, specifically during blackouts, such as paying a DJ $20 to sing your favorite song before the bar closes, even though it is not a karaoke bar or DJ, then falling backwards off the table you were dancing on and hitting your head.

that sh*t is funny……

The stories I tell are ones of good times and crazy moments.  I’m f*cked up, but who wants to hear about someone pissing in their own bed at the age of 30?  Well that DID happen, but it’s funnier when you tell the story about pissing the bed at age 22, the “bed” is a bunk bed, you’re on the top bunk and your buddy is on the bottom bunk.  Then the despicable become laughable, yet, the reality of the situation is that they are both actually just sad.  At a birthday party the joke gets more outrageous as each gift is opened and it is another bottle of vodka.  Everyone enjoys the gag and it is actually rather comical that at my birthday party I got 9 bottles of vodka.  The comedy seems to vanish quicker than the week and a half it took me to finish them all, except 1, which made it up to the last day I used it.

Let me be clear that I am not trying to create some sort of environment here that requires sympathy or pity.  I don’t want that at all.  I’ve seen plenty of “those looks”.  I’m just saying there is the surface and there is something underneath.

 

but when you put it that way, it’s not that funny

I may need to get real here.  I don’t even know if anyone will read this, but maybe someone does.  Even more so, maybe someone who actually questions his or her drinking reads it and I have to at least speak to that person.  I am that person.  I will always be that person.  I am different and I do things differently than other people.  But one day things did change for me.  This is no happy story, my friend.  I didn’t slam a drink down on the bar and say “I have had enough.”  My first moment came with a blood soaked shirt, a psychiatrist and a lot of tears on the faces of the people I love the most.  And that shit ain’t f*cking funny at all.

So if you want to relate, then let’s relate.  Do you know a plumber?  (If not, just play along.)  I don’t know any plumbers personally, but if I did and I happen to be speaking to another plumber, I’d probably say “Oh, my so and so is a plumber.”  Not knowing any plumbers personally I can’t say for certain, but if I did and had this conversation and made this comment I would imagine that plumber would have no more to say to me after the comment in particular than he did before I made the comment.  This is such a funny human trait that I am guilty of myself.  But when we speaking to another human being we do not know we look for relatable material to pass the time while we converse.  For some reason, we naturally relate by telling each other we know someone who does what they do or knows what they know or whatever.  Yet most of the time knowing that person gives us absolutely no more material to discuss with this stranger.  To be clear, I believe support and compassion are two of the greatest things on earth.  I just find us humans funny sometimes how we try to find the ways to do that.  So let me start the conversation by stating that I am an alcoholic, I’m a drug addict.

 

i have a great life idea!

“It sure is a pretty day outside today,” says no drug addict who isn’t high.  You see, I am a drug addict.  I like to use drugs to get me high.  I use the term drug referring to alcohol as well as other substances.  One I get those substances in my body I can focus on you.  THEN I can tell you it is a nice day out.  If I am high, I can sit here and tell you the f*cking opera is worth the money.  I don’t care about it.

I wouldn’t say I decided at a very young age to grow up and f*ck everything up with alcohol and drugs.  I would not say that.  My son had to fill out a sheet for pre-school about what I want to be when I grow up.  He picked a Ninja Turtle.  I didn’t read all of the class’s entries, but I didn’t see “town drunk”, “pothead” or “deadbeat drug addict” for anyone’s answer.  I guess I should have since I could have possibly at least been the one kid in class to fulfill his self-appointed destiny.  Main problem is, I wouldn’t have cared anyway.  This brings me to my last point……

 

you still haven’t told us what it’s like

There is a certain kind of pain reserved in life when it comes to aspects of love.  Have you ever loved someone so much before but you couldn’t tell them?  Perhaps they were in love with someone else, perhaps YOU were also in love with someone else at the same time, if you believe that to be possible.  For the point of this section, I’ll ask you to try and follow even if you have not.  When you love someone that much but cannot tell them, ever, it hurts real badly.  You want to be around them SO much and SO often, but you can’t and you need to be careful because if you let on too strongly they may become afraid and retreat.  You’re in a terrible, friend-zone-ish place that you will struggle with every single day and not be able to tell one person about it, because you will be shunned, you will be made to feel like your feelings are wrong or selfish.  But you know you love this person.  There is something about them that makes you smile at the very thought of their being.  You fantasize about a different dimension where you are able to be happy together.  You know that there are a handful of factors that may swoop in and take this person from you at any point in time.  This person is everything you ever thought happiness could be and you can’t understand why fate would play the cruelest joke in the world on you and put them in your life in a capacity where you can never be with them yet you must be around them constantly.  You also thank fate for giving you at least this.  Your insanity grows more and more each day as you struggle with whether or not to come clean……

 

this post is about a girl?  it’s about a crush?

No.  Well, if you want me to make the worst, most awful joke ever, it’s sort of about Mary Jane or Cindy Smirnoff I guess.  But my point was that’s what it’s like to be a drug addict.  At least for me.  It was a constant struggle of getting enough but not too much so people could tell.  You wish you could live without fear of judgement if people knew.  You can’t understand why you were given this terrible affliction, but you can’t imagine living without it and you know you are one discovery away from it being possibly taken away forever.  You dream and desire to be high when you’re not and when you are high, it’s rarely enough and may God be with you if the drugs stop working because there is no worse place on this planet than that.

 

i think I’m sad now…..

You’re not sad.  Don’t be sad.  Remember the jokes, remember the funny.  Embrace your faults, embrace yourself for who you are.  I was a craptastic, selfish, rude, a**hole addicted to alcohol and drugs and look at me now, I cut out the alcohol and drugs!  Life IS sad.  But not always, I hope.  But the sad is what can also bring us to happy sometimes.  You don’t know me because you’re a drug addict like me, but you can still get to know me.  Just remember that when we meet, and I tell you I am an alcoholic, don’t tell me about your cousin, feel free to ask me what it’s like being an alcoholic.  Then maybe we can actually get to know each other and have a real conversation.

the tree

The Tree

I sit under this tree every single day looking for answers.  This tree sucks a lot.  It also can be so healthy and so rewarding.  This tree has flip flopped and turned around so many times it is indiscernible to me compared to what it looked like when I first came.  Yet, it’s still the same tree.  It is still here.  It still provides shelter and shade, an occasional drink or food and it remains, here.  The tree sees my growth and my defeats.  The tree sees my changes, good and bad.  I cannot hide from the tree no matter how much I try and strip it down or remove its pieces.  It continues to grow new fruit and leaves.  The tree does not judge nor does the tree ask for judgement.  The tree knows that just by being there, being the tree that is, that that is good enough for me.  Sometimes it gets so that I want to stop coming and sitting under the tree because I fear that I won’t ever be able to leave.  Yet I know I cannot live without the tree nor can I figure out this world anymore if the tree were gone.  The tree would need to be taken from me, removed from my life for me to feel differently about my tree.  But the tree has provided me such comfort at times.  Those that have joined me under my tree have been mostly a true delight.  The amount has been substantial, but the tree has plenty of warmth, shade and life to provide for many.  I don’t know any more if it is the tree who needs me or if I need the tree.  I don’t know anymore…I just know the tree……